My journey to Motherhood

Saturday, June 3, 2017

I had intentions of posting this on Mother's day, but wasn't quite ready to share my story. The process of trying to get pregnant is a very private thing, and can be quite lonely when no one else really understands what you are going through. Discussing a topic like this openly is difficult and I have debated whether I wanted to post this, but I think it's important for others to realize they are not alone, no matter their circumstance. 

If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you may have read previous posts [here, here & here] about my desire to have a baby. Last time I posted about accepting that I may not be able to have biological children, and I was overwhelmed by the love and response from others who are in similar situations. Sharing my story has connected me to people that I otherwise wouldn't have known, and hearing their stories gave me hope for whatever the future held. 

This is my journey to motherhood ...

My husband and I both wanted to have a baby after about 2 years of being married, but we both agreed that we wanted to be more established and feel financially ready to raise a child. Meanwhile, we were feeling a lot of pressure from the "outside world" to start a family which was really hard because it's not that we didn't want kids, we just weren't ready.

Another year went by and we had moved out of our apartment and into a house. I was so excited for this move because I thought that since we had the space and I was off of birth control, a baby was sure to follow. A few days before our 3 year wedding anniversary I had minor day surgery (on my lady parts), and that meant I needed some time to heal. So we waited some more, but not by choice. I was feeling like our time would never come, and it was really starting to affect me mentally and emotionally, so I took up running and decided to just focus on myself and getting healthy. So we took the "let's just let it happen" approach.  

We decided that since it wasn't "just happening", we would really focus on trying to get pregnant. Man is that ever stressful! It became all about schedules and tracking numbers, and then that awful 2 week waiting period until I could take a pregnancy test. After 6 months of stress about not getting pregnant, I got the shingles virus. Weeks of sickness followed, which turned into months, and eventually it was 6 months before I started to feel better. During that time of countless blood tests and Dr.'s visits, I found out I had a thyroid disease (the thyroid produces and regulates all of your hormones), which was likely affecting my ability to get pregnant. I started seeing an Endocrinologist as well as a Naturopath, and I was finally able to start medication and be proactive about getting my health back on track. 

This was taken after my first venture outside after weeks of sickness at home.

During those couple of years of desperately wanting a baby, I was angry with God. I didn't understand why He would put this desire in my heart if I couldn't have children. I felt embarrassed, angry, sad, and lonely. I was bitter toward others who were having their 2nd, 3rd, 4th child and here we were, with none.
But then I realized that maybe He had another plan for us, and I needed to be open to that. So I began to change my prayers, and ask God how He wanted make us parents. 

In January my husband and I started talking about adoption or foster care as an option. We have always known that we wanted to welcome a child(ren) into our family that needed to be loved, but didn't know if the timing was right. In June when I wrote about being at peace with whatever happened, I had truly accepted the fact that I may never have a biological child, and I was learning to be ok with it. I reconciled with God and was looking forward to whatever He had in store for us. June 26, 2016, I found out I was pregnant!

The thing that has amazed me in all of this hardship, is how God's plan, not our own, really came together. When we started sharing the news that we were pregnant, it was a very emotional time for me. So many people said that they had read my blog post and had been praying for us and for our future baby. Wow! It made me realize more and more that this was not by our own doing, but truly a miracle from God.

Everyone's situation is different, and though the timing is sometimes hard to understand or accept, God has a plan much better than our own. Looking back now, I can see that. 

If you are struggling to get pregnant or are going through something in your life that is preventing you from having children, there are tons of resources out there to support you. I am no expert, but if you do need a listening ear I am always here to listen. 
Feel free to email me

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