I have been going through this state of mixed emotions as we have been trying to have a baby.
There are so many ups and downs that it can be hard to stay hopeful after a while. I don't even really have the right words to express how I feel because it's more than a feeling, it is a desire, a yearning in my soul.
Being a mom is one of those things that I always assumed would be part of my life, and I never questioned that it would happen. As a 29 year old woman, I am surrounded by ads, and facebook posts and every other social media outlet, and I am constantly reminded that everyone else is getting pregnant and having babies... except me.
Not getting pregnant month after month is extremely hard, and also very lonely. Speaking from personal experiences, I find that women are not afraid to talk openly about pregnancy and the pains of labour, but no one talks about what happens BEFORE the pregnancy. What about the emotional pain that a woman goes through after each failed pregnancy test? Or the various forms of fertility treatments that didn't work?
Yes, I may still have some anger to sort out, but I am also finding peace.
It's not something that will suddenly "click", it is something I am working on. I am handing over my anger to God, and asking for peace. I know that He has a plan, and I know in my heart that I will be a mother some day, it just may not happen the way I had planned, and I'm ok with that.
So, maybe I won't ever walk around with a 20 lb belly, but my husband and I will love a child so much that it won't matter how he/she came into our lives.