My husband and I both wanted to have a baby after about 2 years of being married, but we both agreed that we wanted to be more established and feel financially ready to raise a child. Meanwhile, we were feeling a lot of pressure from the "outside world" to start a family which was really hard because it's not that we didn't want kids, we just weren't ready.


Another year went by and we had moved out of our apartment and into a house. I was so excited for this move because I thought that since we had the space and I was off of birth control, a baby was sure to follow. A few days before our 3 year wedding anniversary I had minor day surgery (on my lady parts), and that meant I needed some time to heal. So we waited some more, but not by choice. I was feeling like our time would never come, and it was really starting to affect me mentally and emotionally, so I took up running and decided to just focus on myself and getting healthy. So we took the "let's just let it happen" approach.  

 
We decided that since it wasn't "just happening", we would really focus on trying to get pregnant. Man is that ever stressful! It became all about schedules and tracking numbers, and then that awful 2 week waiting period until I could take a pregnancy test. After 6 months of stress about not getting pregnant, I got the shingles virus. Weeks of sickness followed, which turned into months, and eventually it was 6 months before I started to feel better. During that time of countless blood tests and Dr.'s visits, I found out I had a thyroid disease (the thyroid produces and regulates all of your hormones), which was likely affecting my ability to get pregnant. I started seeing an Endocrinologist as well as a Naturopath, and I was finally able to start medication and be proactive about getting my health back on track. 
During those couple of years of desperately wanting a baby, I was angry with God. I didn't understand why He would put this desire in my heart if I couldn't have children. I felt embarrassed, angry, sad, and lonely. I was bitter toward others who were having their 2nd, 3rd, 4th child and here we were, with none.
But then I realized that maybe He had another plan for us, and I needed to be open to that. So I began to change my prayers, and ask God how He wanted make us parents. 

In January my husband and I started talking about adoption or foster care as an option. We have always known that we wanted to welcome a child(ren) into our family that needed to be loved, but didn't know if the timing was right. In June when I wrote about being at peace with whatever happened, I had truly accepted the fact that I may never have a biological child, and I was learning to be ok with it. I reconciled with God and was looking forward to whatever He had in store for us. June 26, 2016, I found out I was pregnant!

The thing that has amazed me in all of this hardship, is how God's plan, not our own, really came together. When we started sharing the news that we were pregnant, it was a very emotional time for me. So many people said that they had read my blog post and had been praying for us and for our future baby. Wow! It made me realize more and more that this was not by our own doing, but truly a miracle from God.

Everyone's situation is different, and though the timing is sometimes hard to understand or accept, God has a plan much better than our own. Looking back now, I can see that. 

If you are struggling to get pregnant or are going through something in your life that is preventing you from having children, there are tons of resources out there to support you. I am no expert, but if you do need a listening ear I am always here to listen. 
Feel free to email me littleredpurse.blog@gmail.com.

Over the past 5 months, as I have been battling various illnesses and health issues, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life. Getting through each day with as little pain as possible has been at the forefront of my mind. But pain doesn't always have to be physical to hurt. 


Spending a lot of time with your thoughts when you are at a low point can sometimes lead to feelings of self-pity, sadness, or anger. However, I have found that being in a position of vulnerability has led me to be thankful for the simple things that I once took for granted and see what is important in my life.

There have been things pulling at my heart over the past year that I have been making excuses about, and I have come to a point where it's now or never.
Life is too short to settle for anything short of amazing!
I have passions and talents that I want to pursue, but have been afraid of failing (again). I am thankful to have a super supportive husband who has been encouraging me to go for my dreams and stop making excuses. I find that writing down my thoughts and goals helps me set out a plan of action and gets me excited about it.

I am slowly figuring who I am and who God has made me to be, and who I want to become.
I want to be a leader.
I want to be a woman of strength.
I want to be a source of comfort.
I want to be a mother.
I want to love the unloved.